Stephen Tan is my name.
tryin 2 figure out how blogging works is my game.
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Nov 19, 2008
2008. A year where I was struggling to find a song that really stood out. And then came... LOST! Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross
Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse
I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...
You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost
Every river that you try to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...I've already talked quite a bit about this song in my "5 of the Best: COLDPLAY" post. But I'm just gonna confirm it now as my song of the year 2008!!! Its not a very complicated or deep song. Its just about someone who gets lost. Don't we all get lost sometimes? Not just literally for people without GPS but figuratively as well. Do we ever feel like we're lost? Every river that we've tried to cross? And every door we've ever tried was locked? Or do we sometimes think we've got it all made. We think we're boss. But in truth, we might just be a big fish in a little pond. We haven't won. Along may come a bigger one.That's what happens when the shine wears off...Let's face it. We've all been lost before. You may or may not be lost right now. Let me tell you a bit about my story.When I was a kid, I was the king of the world. My dad was senior pastor at a burgeoning church in Petaling Jaya called First Baptist Church. In a Christian community where people love each other, my father was the prime figure. He was the figurehead of the church, everyone loved him.Thus, people were queueing up to show love to his family... i.e. ME! His son! People would buy me toys, take me to their house for dinner and play with their kids. People think being a pastor's kid is poverty. Not when the pastor was my dad. I reckon I was kinda spoilt. I would always throw tantrums when I didn't get what I want. Roll on the floor. Like Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle. My mom loved me more than life. She quit her career as a dentist to stay home and take care of me even though we had a maid. My 5 year old mind couldn't comprehend that but I loved it anyways. However my dad was a strict disciplinarian. If my mom reported naughty behaviour, it was caning for me, The feather duster. My nemesis.I started primary school at 7. My mom would ensure I do my homework and study ahead of the class. Every single day she would sit with me, making sure I did my work. It was fun. I had mummy. I was the smartest guy in class. In fact I was the smartest in the whole school that year.Suddenly, everything changed. My mom got lung cancer (and please, she did not smoke. She was the healthiest person around). She died abruptly and my brother Andrew suffered the most. He was barely one. My father was devastated but he did a great job raising us two boys on his own. I was really sad but I got on with life. Without my mummy by my side, I wasn't top of the school anymore. Rather, 10th in class. Not that bad.Then my dad made the biggest mistake of his life. He remarried too fast. We had a second mom. It really did not work out and his marriage was short lived. It all ended in tears and divorce. This was my father. The main man of FBC. Captain Fantastic. Super Pastor. He left the church by "mutual consent" and continued to work in the Christian field. This was arguably the worst point in my family's life. Second marriage taken away. Second mom gone. I somehow got used to tragedy. I took it on the chin. I was more afraid of high school. It was really hard on Andrew. He never knew his biological mom. Then, the only "mom" he ever knew (although not the best, mind you) was gone. I can't remember ever saying this but my dad told me recently that around this time I mentioned to him, "What's the point of living if its purpose is for suffering".Thankfully I have no mental scars from that period. I don't know how. It must be suppressed inadvertently by my brain or something. Needless to say, that was the lowest point in my life. In primary school I was among the cream of the crop academically, school prefect and did all right for sports day as well. I got straight As for UPSR, the government exam for primary school leavers.In secondary school, my grades started slipping, I wasn't studying properly, I was more interested in having fun and learning stuff I never knew about before. Basically, I was a complete nerd in primary school, complete with the worst hairstyle ever (it was out of bed hair everyday. I never knew what a comb was). The last time a comb had touched my hair was when my late mummy combed it.In secondary school I learned fast. It was all about the importance of being cool. I guess I wasn't as cool as I would have wanted, but I wasn't a loser. So life wasn't too bad. I equated it to being in the middle class of society.I'll end the story there for the moment.Needless to say, growing up in church, I was a Christian from a young age. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and saviour when I was 9 or 10. But I was still lost. I had the wrong idea about what life was about. I didn't mess up my life badly thanks to my Christian grounding but at certain points it did seem pretty desolate. But it matters not any more.Because I can say I have finally found what is truly important. I'm starting to find out what life's all about. And because I know what I know now, all the pain and suffering in the past means nothing. It has all been eclipsed by an undescribable and unending joy and peace.So I ask you now. Are you feeling a little lost? Is life not what you want it to be? Do you ever wonder if there's more to the life that you're currently living? Ask yourself! Do you want life that is beyond what you currently experience.I don't know what your personal struggle is right now. But I say that its OK to be lost. In fact its good. Because once we realize we are lost, we can be found. Without the realization of our "lostness", we can never find what is truly important.I challenge you today. If you feel lost and you want to ask some questions. You want to know what it is I speak of. Just drop me an email. henstepper@yahoo.com.I may not know all the answers but I am sure that we can find the trail again. If we were jungle trekking and got lost, I know where the trail is. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.There is a way out.
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